Produced and Directed by Terry Gilliam. 116 minutes. Rated PG-13 for violence and language. Terry Gilliam was also one of the two directors for Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975). Most of the quotations below are from http://www.imdb.com/
This movie starts in the evening in Suburbia somewhere with a little boy Kevin, around ten-years-old, who is reading something, while his parents are watching a TV game show, "Your Money or Your Life." His parents send Kevin to bed. Kevin is resting in bed, when men on horses come out of his closet.
The next night, about eight dwarves come out of his closet. They are grown men, but less than 4 feet in height. David Rappaport plays the dwarf leader Randall in the movie.
The giant Face of the Supreme Being chases them. Supreme Being: "Return what you have stolen from me! Return the map! It will bring you great danger. Stop... Now."
Randall: "The Supreme Being is after us!"
Kevin: "You mean God?"
Randall: "Well, we don't know Him that well."
Kevin and the Time Bandits go through a portal to the time of Napoleon, played by Ian Holm, who also played Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings.
They are watching something like Vaudeville theater.
Napoleon: They are all freaks! Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater is this?
Neguy: You are not small at all, Commander.
Lucien: Not by any means. Five foot one is not small.
Napoleon: Five foot one and conqueror of Italy, not bad huh?
Napoleon: Alexander the Great--5 feet exactly. One inch shorter than me. Attila the Hun--5 feet, one half inch. Tamberlane the Great--4 feet, 10 inches.
The Time Bandits steal some jewels, gold cups and plates, and go through a time portal and come out in the Middle Ages. Robin Hood is played by John Cleese.
Robin Hood: [Seeing the Bandits' haul, including the Mona Lisa painting] Crikey! I've been in robbing for years but I've never seen anything like this. Well, what can I say? Thank you. Thank you all very much indeed.
Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?
Redgrave: [Gibberish]
Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all
Robin Hood: [loudly and cheerfully, saying goodbye to the Time Bandits] Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Thank you very very very Very much!
Robin Hood: [quietly, to his men] What awful people.
David Warner plays the Evil One. Evil One and his minions are looking through a watery time window and seeing the Time Bandits walking through the forest in the rain.
Evil One: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One.
Evil One: What did you say?
Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be entirely...
Evil One: [Blows Baxi to bits] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. *I* am all powerful! Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
Robert: Because you...
Evil One: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.
Evil One: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
Robert: Slugs.
Evil One: Slugs! He created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
Evil One: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
Robert: Uh, understanding of what, Master?
Evil One: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being!
Evil One: If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One! [zaps one of his minions accidentally, minion screams]
Evil One: Sorry
Evil One: Now we must bait the hook, see if they bite, and pull them in. Stand by for Mind Control!
Evil One uses his powers to get one of the Time Bandits to speak his words.
Later, Evil One: I'm losing them!
The giant Face of the Supreme Being chases the Time Bandits.
Supreme Being: Return the Map!
Kevin runs into one of two portals and comes out in a desert where King Agamemnon, played by Sean Connery, is fighting the Minotaur in Ancient Greek times. After the fight, King Agamemnon and Kevin ride on horses back to the city Mycenae on the Mediterranean. Kevin takes some pictures with his camera around the city.
Later, after taking some jewels and the King's crown, the Time Bandits disappear into a portal and come out on the RMS Titanic on her maiden voyage on 15 April 1912. Kevin expresses anger at Randall about the map.
Kevin: You've got something really brilliant like that, and you're just wasting it!
After a few more adventures, the Time Bandits are in a climatic Battle of Armageddon between the Evil One and The Supreme Being. The Bandits are saved just in time as The Supreme Being turns the Evil One into stone. The Supreme Being is played by Ralph Richardson.
Supreme Being: Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.
The Supreme Being frees Fidget from the boulder lying on top of him and restores his life.
Wally: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?
Supreme Being: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...
Kevin: Yes, why does there have to be evil?
Supreme Being: I think it has something to do with free will.
Supreme Being: Do be careful! Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
Randall asks The Supreme Being for their old jobs back.
Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.
Randall: Oh, thank you, sir.
Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.
Supreme Being: Is it all ready? Right. Come on then. Back to creation. We mustn't waste any more time. They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.
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